Empty Nesting - Let Them Go, Your Turn To Grow!
Are you an “Empty Nester or a “Bird Launcher?”
For about 20 years of my adult life, much of my identity was defined as being a full-time mom. I loved being a full-time mom. This was my job and I didn’t do it halfway. My heart and soul were tied to raising my three kids - their victories were my victories; their heartbreak was mine. About 8 years ago, my eldest son went off to college. I felt an empty space in my heart and I started questioning what my next act would be. I was a bit lost - I had stopped practicing law when my second son was an infant and wasn’t sure what would give me purpose once my kids left the home and started living their own lives.
The letting go process is fundamental to parenting and starts when our children are babies, grows in intensity as they develop into young adults, and continues long after they are college bound into their 20s and 30s. We as parents feel the impact of every step of our children’s process of becoming their own people. Every parent’s experience is unique when their children leave home. Much of this adjustment depends on the quality of their relationship with themselves and their partner throughout the parenting years, well before the departure for college. Some predominantly experience the benefits of this post-parental stage while others struggle with the downsides. Most parents find a blend of the upsides and downsides while adjusting to an empty nest. Like every life stage, there is tremendous opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.
During the years since my first son left for college, followed by my second son’s departure and while my youngest and only daughter headed off for her turn, I have experienced many benefits from this transitional time. While it sometimes felt scary, I have found that I have time to rediscover myself. When my kids went out on their own, I had more time for my own self care, for self exploration, for a fresh start for a new stage in life, so to speak. Each kid leaving was emotionally intense and left me with a gap. I needed to look inside and really think about what would fill me up. A former client once said that when her kids left the house she finally “had the time to take the time.” What a luxury to really have the time to think about me, to decide what makes me tick, separate and apart from my kids.
I also experienced an evolving relationship with my kids as they started to leave the nest. Having a relationship with kids who are “growing up” matured as they matured. As our kids grow up, we have to parent them differently - I realized that I needed to step back and allow them to make decisions, even make mistakes on their own. Not living together, coupled with more independence made room for more harmony and positive communication. The removal of day to day involvement and reliance allowed for more self-sufficiency, fun and friendship. And I was able to enjoy the fruits of my labor as a parent and appreciate all I have given and have been given.
Being empty nesters can also reignite and breathe new life into a marriage. I have found that reducing the mental and emotional load of active parenting can reduce stress and encourage reconnection. I have looked at this time as a pivot - it is a process of shifting our energy towards creating a new stage in our lives, separate from our children, which is exciting and fun!
Instead of focusing on what I was missing, I reflected on how much I appreciate my relationship with my kids. As a parent, I always wanted to influence my kids in a positive way. I always wanted to shape and uplift them and to inspire and nurture them. While the way we go through life together has certainly changed, I remember that it’s the living arrangements and life stage that have ended, not the relationships.
So I needed to figure out my own purpose and separate my identity from theirs. I gradually took the time to really look at what I was interested in. I knew that I needed to apply the same supportive and nurturing energy that I gave my kids towards something different once they left the house. I was always passionate about nutrition and health while raising kids, and in the spring of 2017 I became certified in culinary nutrition. I took a deep dive into what it means to use food for healing purposes. Sharing healthy food tips and recipes is one of the ways that I show people that I care about them. Then a few years later, I further developed this passion by studying to become an integrative nutrition health coach. As a coach, I work with clients to help them find balance in their lives through support, accountability, education, and of course nutritious food. These “new babies” filled me up inside and helped me redirect my focus once my kids left the house.
Each person needs to find where they want to channel their attention once they are empty nesters, but I think the first step is to frame this stage of life with a fresh chapter mindset. I envisioned myself ready for a new, open chapter. This felt daunting when I didn’t know where I wanted to direct my energy, but that’s okay not to know at first. I reminded myself to frame this time as an opening, not a closing. I would encourage anyone in this place to let yourself explore, try new things, and you can even start with what you already know lights you up. And it feels really good to invest in yourself!
